Thursday, August 14, 2014


We the gold diggers of America have come together willingly and freely, as is our constitutional right to assemble, for the purpose of declaring what will become the national standard for anyone seeking to marry for money. If anyone seeks to join our ranks, they simply need to apply these truths to their daily lives and they will claim their dependence.

I. Dedicated to being arm candy

  • A true gold digger knows that one must always look their best because the opportunity to meet a rich prince/princess charming can appear at any moment
  • No expense is too great to upgrade one's looks; Investments to alter one's teeth, physique, and turkey neck are necessary evils that must be made
  • Most importantly, one must never have bad breath, even in the mornings

II. Dedicated to being smart

  • In order to find the perfect Mr./Mrs. Right, one must be up to date on all of the city's most eligible bachelors/bachelorettes and be able to identify them by description, occupation, and passions
  • Research is mandatory to discover their ideal 'type' by applying their past mates to memory and making oneself fit that mode
  • For best results, one will take interest in one of the discovered passions for an authentic feel
  • Gold digger decree: NEVER  sign a prenup without your own attorney!! Make sure that  if divorce occurs, you at least walk away with no less than 10 years of comfortable living expenses so you'll have enough time to find the next Mr./Mrs. Right

III. Dedicated to being charismatic

  • To impress your future sugar daddy/sugar mama, gold diggers must commit to development in interpersonal skills. Being a bitch is no longer attractive (Unless their into that sort of thing)
  • Loyal friends are on the look out for our kind, so if you can charm their friends, you got them!

IV. Dedicated to being strategic

  • Gold diggers reserve the right to only hang out at fundraising events, bars at luxury hotels, sporting events, and any excuse to get dressed up in the city
  • Gold diggers never look for mates at house parties, the club, concerts, or blind dates
  • And we NEVER let our families hook us up with anyone

V. Dedicated to being accommodating

  • Commitment to a lifestyle that revolves around our companion is non-negotiable. If they want to go to the opera, we don't complain. If they like the rodeo, we buy cowboy hats. If they enjoy comic con, we put on the sexiest Pikachu outfit we can find online (Then we burn it)
  • We support the dreams of our partners, unless it goes against our morals (and we most certainly have morals and values)

VI. Dedicated to being genuine

  • Just because we marry for money, doesn't mean we don't deserve true love. Gold diggers who want true happiness only allow themselves to commit to wealthy individuals we are actually attracted to: physically, mentally, and spiritually. This is the true meaning to our right to pursue happiness
This is America, land of the free, and gold diggers have the right to thrive in this beautiful country just as much as anyone else. Our lives will be fueled by a new method of self sufficiency by finding a partner who supplies us with our every need because of our dedication to making ourselves the perfect partner; loyal, generous, and beautiful. This is our American dream. 

This is our Declaration of Dependence!

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